Recognizing Victimhood

Samantha doesn't realize it, but there's a victim lurking inside her. Though she wears a sunny disposition outside, inside, the perky 42-year-old mother is resigned to three ideas:

1. It’s too late in her life to go back to college like she always wanted to. She'd look ridiculous, and who has the time, anyway?

2. Her ex-husband is to blame for her financial problems and for her children’s disrespectful behavior.

3. No matter what she does—no matter how many self-help workshops she attends or how much inner work she does with herself—things are not really ever going to change for her.

Quite a life sentence she’s given herself: hopelessness and helplessness, twin offspring of the same poisonous parent known as "Victimhood."

When we operate from a victim mentality, we give the power to create our own life to someone else, and then we moan about how controlling the other is. To avoid taking responsibility, we create (and protect at all costs!) the dangerous illusion that we are always right. We blame others for our circumstances and remain stuck in a silent "poor me" that keeps us small.

This is not to say that we can always control what happens to us. Some people's behavior is abusive. Hurricanes or other natural disasters occur. The company downsizes.

We can, however, always control how we respond. We can refuse to accept abusive behavior, leaving a relationship, if necessary. We can recognize that others can only have control if we let them. We can see the banquet of choices before us, and choose what appeals to us, even if that means going back to college at age 42.

Here are some clues to help you recognize when you're carrying around a victim mentality and robbing yourself of your personal power:

• Your first response to a setback is to blame someone else for what has happened.

• You often find yourself beginning thoughts with phrases like "I can't...” or "I'm no good at..." or "I've never been able to." You believe that nothing you do ever works out.

• Conversations with friends and family are often about how hard your life is.

• When friends offer advice, you usually counter it with a "Yes, but..." since they can't know how difficult your situation really is.

• You're always so busy with work and the things you need to do to survive that you just don't have time to do things you want to do for yourself.

• You think that other people usually cause you to feel the way you do, that you'd be more centered if it weren’t for them.

• You're convinced that if you weren’t tied down to all these obligations, or if only you had more support, you could really do some of the things you always think about doing.

• When angry, you usually begin sentences with "You" instead of "I."

You choose: small and powerless and perfect, or stepping up to meet your biggest self--warts and all--and live the life you want. Which will it be?

print this page