Who’s Your Best Friend?
by Elizabeth Savino

If you think back to your childhood, can you recall being asked, “Who’s your best friend?” As a young girl, I can remember the security that I gained from having a best friend to share my life with. Somehow I felt safer if I had someone in my life who I knew was on my side and would defend me as I ventured through my little life. To me, a best friend was someone who could fill my needs, understand who I was, support me, love me unconditionally and stay with me forever.

My best friends were always female until I entered my teen years. At this time, I learned, through some disappointments, the hurt that can come from being betrayed by other girls. Because of this, my young mind determined that my best friend must really be my boyfriend, that love relationship that would eventually become my spouse. In the years that followed, I lived into this belief until I met my husband who became, what I expected to be, my best friend for life.

Today, I still believe in cultivating the bond of a lifelong friendship with a spouse or partner. The comfort and support that is derived from such a bond allows two people to have unconditional love and security as they grow as individuals throughout their lives. But what happens if, for some reason your best friend, spouse and partner is no longer available to you, either by your choosing or not? Who can you turn to fill such a great role?

After a relationship ends due to death or divorce, the loss of the friendship in a spouse creates a huge missing link for many people. Though friends do their best to fill this spot, it is just not the same as that special person you married and declared your best friend for life. During the mourning process that follows a relationship loss, one of the aspects one mourns most is this special friendship.

What I have come to understand, however, after a lifelong quest of expecting someone else to be my best friend, is that all the while my best friend, the person who knew me best, who understood exactly what I needed, who loved me just as I am, and who would be with me forever is… ME! Upon first learning about this concept, I was certainly skeptical and almost annoyed to think that I was expected to believe that I could offer myself the comfort I needed to feel the same safety I felt from my spouse. But in exploring the process and making the choice to love and care for my own needs, I have become stronger, happier and more at peace than ever.

The process of learning to love yourself and become your own best friend is made up or three parts, which all must be functioning in order to be a healthier individual in relationship with yourself or others:

1. Awareness: Begin gaining more insight into what you are feeling and what your feelings are telling you. Your feelings are your body’s way of giving you an indication of what it needs to be healthy, much like an engine light flashes on a car dashboard indicating what it needs. If you listen to what your body tells you and honor it by giving it what it needs, you will feel more balanced and at peace.
2. Communication: Once you have an awareness of what you are feeling, you can begin to develop an internal communication with yourself to explore what is true for you. In developing such conversation with yourself, you will strengthen the understanding you have about who you are and what you need. As this relationship with yourself grows, you will also have more trust in the decisions you make for your life, because you have a better understanding of who you are and what is best for you.
3. Commitment: In addition to awareness and communication, you must commit to honoring yourself by giving yourself what you need, and expressing what is true and necessary for you. Though this may sound simple, doing so is often challenging, especially if you have lived your life to this point denying your own feelings and pleasing others. Implementing this commitment to yourself is a process that takes time and practice.

To learn more about the process of creating a healthy relationship with yourself, participate in…

The Loving Choices Group, which meets once a week. Gain the support of other individuals as you learn to have healthier relationships with yourself and others.

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