Winnis Chiang Newsletter
  Personal Note From Winnis
  Feature Article - When The Name Of The Game Is Blame, No One Wins
  Chinese Article - Experiencing True Love
March 24, 2015
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Do you know someone whose life has been affected by blame, directly and indirectly?

Blame was not new to me. My paternal grandmother blamed my mom for having two daughters in a row; and later my mom blamed my grandmother when my father was unfaithful. Growing up, I thought it was my fault that I was a girl, so I blamed myself for causing my parents' marital troubles! Yikes!

Take a look at this month's feature article When the Name Of The Game Is Blame, No One Wins and let me know how you feel.

Love, Joy, Peace and Hope to You!
Featured Article
The Name Of The Game Is Blame, No One Wins

Whether we fabricate unbelievable excuses like, "The dog ate my homework," or blame others for what happens to us, we give up not only responsibility for our lives, but also our power.

When things go wrong, blame is an easy way of taking the spotlight off ourselves and shining it on others. From the first excuse we used as a child, shifting blame often becomes an all-purpose gadget in our toolbox of defenses, so handy we often reach for it without even thinking.

Why do people blame?

• Blame is a ready outlet for anger, hurt and disappointment. It is always easier to point the finger at someone for our troubles than to consider our own roles in causing or maintaining the problems.

• Having someone to blame allows us to maintain our self-image. In our own eyes, we can remain that punctual, efficient person we would be except for the interferences and inefficiencies of other people.

• Blame is a reflex action. It's the first thing you say when you've been caught and you need to preserve your dignity. Remember the time you tripped over a loose brick left on the sidewalk and immediately cried out, "What idiot left that here?"

• Blame is a convenient form of procrastination. To our own ears, the flimsiest of excuses can sound like a reasonable explanation when someone else is at fault. "I would build that bookshelf for you today if Ed had returned the tools he borrowed."

• Blame can act as a defense. Shifting responsibility to someone else can be comforting. If only your parents had encouraged you, you could have become a really great dancer; if only your boss didn't demand so much, you'd have more time for those classes you want to take.

• Blaming others is less painful than blaming ourselves. If we regret choices we have made in our lives, pointing the finger at someone else means we don't have to own up to our decisions, some of which might not have been the wisest.

• Blame can be a potent psychological weapon. Making others feel guilty can give us a feeling of power.

• Blame obscures the true nature of problems. As long as someone or something else is responsible for our feelings, our failures, our lives, we don't have to do anything. The problem is not ours, but theirs.

Or so we may think.

The real problem with blame is that it holds us in the past and keeps us from moving forward toward growth. Blaming others allows us to remain in the role of victim, powerless to change anything.

While we may not always have complete control over what happens, we do have control over our own reactions and emotions. One way to claim our lives is by taking 100 percent responsibility for what we feel. Rather than "you make me feel...," say, "I feel... when..."

Like using chewing gum and baling wire for a repair job, blame may be a handy tool, but it won't hold up over time. Using blame makes us forget we have power over how we live our own lives and that we're responsible for ourselves.

Are you familiar with when and how blame entered into the world?

God said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?" The man said, "The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate." (Genesis 3:11-12 ESV)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Real Life Story
Experiencing True Love

Talking about blame, I still remember blaming my husband for all my unhappiness. Of course he didn't like it and blamed me (even though he did not say it out loud). Sensing his avoidance and distance, I felt abandoned and was creating the marital dissatisfaction that I was most afraid of!

What was my way out? My personal experience was published by Herald Monthly in October 2010.

Click here to read the article.
Winnis Chiang Winnis Chiang is Founder of Parenting ABC, an organization dedicated to training and coaching Chinese Christian parents from around the world to make a difference in the lives of children, youth, and young adults. Her passion is fueled by the new life she received when she found Christ in 1989 after her marriage and parenting were no longer working. She specializes in helping Mandarin and Cantonese speaking parents to get along with, enjoy, and influence their American Born Chinese children.

Winnis is also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in California. She holds a M.A. degree in Marriage, Family and Child Counseling from Western Seminary and a B.Sc. degree in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science from U.C. Berkeley. Her former careers include being a software engineer, development department manager, stay-at-home mom, counselor of kids and teens at public schools, and children's minister.

Winnis and her husband (now a pastor) have been married since 1975 after only three months of dating. They enjoy their son, daughter-in-law, and three grandchildren!

Winnis Chiang, M.A., LMFT


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