Winnis Chiang Newsletter
  Personal Note From Winnis
  Feature Article - Are You A Good Listener?
  Chinese Article - Holding Hands
August 25, 2015
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Hello,

"Help! Nobody is Listening!"

When that happens, you feel frustrated and alone, and wonder whether he or she cares.

Surprisingly, when conversations are not going anywhere, the other person often feels the same.

Do you play a part? Can you break the cycle of not listening to each other? Find out from the quiz, Are You a Good Listener?

Love, Joy, Peace and Hope to You!
Winnis
Featured Article
Are You A Good Listener?

Good communication is a two way street: speaking and listening. Listening doesn't mean just not speaking. To be an effective listener requires certain behaviors and attitudes. Listening is an action word. Find out how good a listener you are by answering the following questions.

1. Listening means paying attention. When I listen to someone, I focus my attention on the speaker. I look directly at him or her, and concentrate on hearing what he or she is saying.
__Always
__ Most of the time
__Sometimes
__Never

2. Listening means accepting what the other person says. When I listen to someone, I withhold judgment and accept what he or she is saying "as is." I acknowledge what the person is saying without labeling it right or wrong, good or bad, true or false.
__Always
__ Most of the time
__Sometimes
__Never

3. Listening means being interested in what the other person says. When I listen to someone, I invite the speaker to give his or her opinion, say what's on his or her mind, or say how he or she feels about the topic or issue.
__Always
__ Most of the time
__Sometimes
__Never

4. Listening means confirming and clarifying what I believe I heard. When I listen to someone, I ask specific questions such as "What I heard you say is ... is that right?" or "I think I understand what you said, but will you elaborate on ...?" or "When you say ..., do you mean...?
__Always
__ Most of the time
__Sometimes
__Never

5. Listening means being empathetic. When I listen to someone and I begin to feel defensive or impatient or angry, I try to put myself in the other person's shoes and appreciate what he or she might be going through.
__Always
__ Most of the time
__Sometimes
__Never

6. Listening means being involved. When I listen to someone, I respond actively by nodding, making interjections and asking caring questions such as "How do you feel about that?" or "What would you have liked to do or say?"
__Always
__ Most of the time
__Sometimes
__Never

7. Listening means letting go of control. When I listen to someone, I don't always jump right in with a solution, or try to fix things, or have to say the "right" thing.
__Always
__ Most of the time
__Sometimes
__Never

8. Listening means not judging the speaker. When I listen to someone, I really try to not get hung up on the delivery, even if it's awkward, hesitant or garbled, or if his or her voice or speech mannerisms are irritating.
__Always
__ Most of the time
__Sometimes
__Never

9. Listening means withholding any rebuttal until the speaker is finished. When I listen to someone, I listen to the entire message before I mentally begin my rebuttal, defense, argument or denial. Then, I wait a beat or two before I begin speaking to make sure I've let the speaker finish, and I am centered in my response.
__Always
__ Most of the time
__Sometimes
__Never

10. Listening means paying attention to the whole message. When I listen to someone, I take in their non-verbal messages, too—facial expressions, gestures, eyes, tone of voice, and posture because I understand these can contradict or confirm the words that are used.
__Always
__ Most of the time
__Sometimes
__Never

11. Listening means being present. Sometimes I'm unable to give my full attention to someone. When this is the case, I let the person know by saying something like, "Now's not a good time for me to talk about this, can we discuss it later?" then agree to a specific time to have the discussion.
__Always
__ Most of the time
__Sometimes
__Never

Remember, just because we're born with ears, doesn't mean we start off life as good listeners. Becoming a good listener is a skill we learn, and like other skills, it takes practice to get better. Being a good listener is also a gift we can give to other people. Letting someone know he or she has really been heard is one of the best things we can do for each other.

Without listening, there is no communication. It takes two to tango. Who wants to listen first?

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:19-20)

Author's content used with permission, © Claire Communications

Real Life Story
Holding Hands

Born and raised in Hong Kong, I came to the United States for college in 1973. During my senior year in college, I met James (who immigrated from Taiwan with his parents and siblings) when he was finishing up his masters degree. We were both in the Electrical Engineering and Computer Science (EECS) department at U.C. Berkeley. He asked me out after we completed a digital design project with two other guys. Within a month, he introduced me to his family. The first time I met his parents in San Francisco, they were holding hands when they walked towards us. That surprised me because I never saw my parents holding hands. I sensed they still loved one another in their fifties. This impressed me, and I knew I wanted long lasting love like theirs.

One day James told me, "If everything turns out fine, I would like to marry you." I reacted with, "But I don't know how to cook!" Without missing a beat, he assured me we could eat out every day. So we got married the last week of July 1975, after only three months of dating!

Click here to read when and how we learned to really listen to each other.
about
Winnis Chiang Winnis Chiang is Founder of Parenting ABC, an organization dedicated to training and coaching Chinese Christian parents from around the world to make a difference in the lives of children, youth, and young adults. Her passion is fueled by the new life she received when she found Christ in 1989 after her marriage and parenting were no longer working. She specializes in helping Mandarin and Cantonese speaking parents to get along with, enjoy, and influence their American Born Chinese children.

Winnis is also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in California. She holds a M.A. degree in Marriage, Family and Child Counseling from Western Seminary and a B.Sc. degree in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science from U.C. Berkeley. Her former careers include being a software engineer, development department manager, stay-at-home mom, counselor of kids and teens at public schools, and children's minister.

Winnis and her husband (now a pastor) have been married since 1975 after only three months of dating. They enjoy their son, daughter-in-law, and three grandchildren!

Winnis Chiang, M.A., LMFT

www.ParentingABC.com

925-806-8600

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